A round-up of the most amusing nautical jokes we can find! If you have a side-splitter you would like to share, please email firstname.lastname@example.org
What do sailors use to blow their noses?
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian!
Driving me nuts!
An ‘ol salt swaggers into a bar.
He has a ship’s wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers.
The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a ship’s wheel in your trousers!”
The ‘ol salt says, “Aye mate and it’s driving me nuts!”
A colourful crash
A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned.
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender: “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims: “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”
The sailor replies: “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”
The bartender says: “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”
“50p!” replied the sailor.
Don’t start anything!
A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.
The dockhand says: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”
“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”
“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand.
“I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.
The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”
After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.
Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”
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What do you call a sail with only two corners?
“I haven’t got a clew!”
Testing a fishy theory
Two sailors are talking:
Sailor A: “I hear fish is good brain food.”
Sailor B: “Yeah, I eat it all the time.”
Sailor A: “Well, there goes another theory!”
A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.
Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.
Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled: “It’s a miracle!”
“No”, said the doctor, “That’s professional courtesy!”
An expensive snore cure
A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband snored so loudly that it kept her awake.
She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.
“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,” said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It will cost you a deposit of £15,000, and payments of £1,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”
“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”
“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”
Tricky light change
How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.
A little wave
Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
“What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”
“No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”
How did you get that eye patch?
A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”
“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”
“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”
“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”
“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.
“Well…” said the old sea dog, “It was me first day with the hook.”
What did the newbie say to the skipper?
Newbie: “Do yachts like this sink very often?”
Skipper: “No, usually it’s only once.”
A catamaran sailing in the frostbite series race lost its mast and was nearly overturned by a large wave.
The headline in the club newsletter the next day was, ‘Cata-frostic Dismaster.’
Where did she go?
“My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.”
“No, she wanted to.”
And didn’t spill a drop.
An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoys of World War II together.
Captain: “All through those terrible, dark, storm wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full mug of tea on the night watch. How on earth did you manage it without ever spilling a drop?
First mate: “Well Sir, since you ask, I used to take a swig of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the mug when I got to your door.”
Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?
Its timbers were shivering.
No… you change your course!
Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, a captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
Reaching for the radio, he says: “Change your course ten degrees east.”
“Change yours ten degrees west,” comes the reply.
The captain responds: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman second class,” the next reply comes back. “Change your course, sir.”
The captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
The man replies: “I’m in a lighthouse. Your call.”
The magician and the captain’s parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.
After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”