Cowardly new world


A new human lightmeter sets off an alarm when the wearer has been out in the sun too long.So expect boats surrounding you with lobster red crews dashing below when the beep beep beep sounds.

If the wearer is contracting skin cancer, a subcutaneous EPIRB, sends a signal – via satellite – to Roehampton Burns Unit and a bed, in a private ward, will be set aside for him or her.

The MCA think it’s a good idea and auxiliary Coastguards will be alerted to take the sufferer to the nearest air ambulance.

Other useful machines in the pipeline include an automated jock-strap which deploys a needle into the inner thigh telling us when our lifejacket crutch strap is too loose; an infra-red deckhead light in isophase mode that comes on when your flares are about to expire and a new fuel-monitoring float in the diesel tank which sends an email to the the nearest RNLI station when you have under a litre left.