Hello, good afternoon, and welcome to my armchair. From here I am now going to pontificate on what happened.

The good ship Mary Celestial, recently on the books of a dodgy dealer, or a respected ship broker, was on passage with a skipper who was either a former Royal Naval Admiral or a lunatic. The weather had thrown up some of the worst storms seen this century, or a dead calm.

The skipper was a transvestite priest or a animist nun working with agnostic koy carp at a drop off aquatic centre near the quay.

Whatever the gender, the skipper ignored the forecast of a hurricane tail or looked at the isobars and recognised a flat calm.

So much for the facts.

Call me cynical, but I cannot help but feel there’s a lot more ignorant, disrespectful and cowardly juvenilia to come on this tragic story.