Scripts are stolen: YM offer to help out


Following the theft of EastEnders scripts from the home of one of the drama’s writers, producers are in a tizzy trying to come up with new storylines. So I have decided to help out with a new exciting theme.

Hardman Phil Mitchell has been making contacts in Docklands to get illicit supplies of Stella and Old Holborn for his pub the Queen Vic sailed across from Belgium in a Superyacht owned by a shady, bald oiligarch, played by Harry Hill.

Harry doesn’t realise when he moors alongside the ExCel centre in Victoria Dock, that the London Boat Show is about to start and yachtsmen flooding off the DLR, keep him battened down below waiting for the show to close for the night.

It’s very cold and Harry hails one of the chestnut sellers to park his brazier near the boat so he can warm his hands. A hurricane is whipped up out of nowhere blowing several hot coals onto the Superyacht which burns down to the waterline, but not before the fuel tank explodes setting light to the ExCel show. The burning warehouse in turn sparks the second Great Fire of London.

The whole of the East End ias razed to the ground on the day that London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson, is on a visit to the new Olympic stadium in Stratford, which also burns to the ground while the eccentric supremo is inside.

The hurricane then does a 360 degree turn and heads for the West End. Before it is brought under control by specially-adapted SAR helicopters manned by RNLI lifeguards it raises Westminster to the ground.

The apocalyptic scenario is talked about in every pub in the land for months: it’s like 9/11 all over again. Sadly this does not include the Queen Vic as not one member of the EastEnder cast survive the inferno.